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What do you dream about?

What is something that you feel so pulled to that you’re not yet doing/having/saying/feeling?

There have been two major things about my life that I have felt this way about.
Living inside a body that didn’t feel like mine.
Raising Scarlett at home with me.

I’ve talked a lot about how so much of my life was spent inside a body that felt alien to me. I desperately wanted to change it, not so I could finally love it but so I could finally feel like “me.”
It wasn’t until January 2017 that it became a non-negotiable for me. It was finally something that I was going to do instead of talking about doing.

Long before Scarlett was here, I knew that I was destined to care for her full time. There is nothing wrong with putting children in daycare or having a nanny etc.

But being with her pulled on my heart so heavily, I knew very quickly that being away from her when I returned back to work was not for me. I tried, and after weeks of crying and a certain sequence of events, I pulled the plug.

For 10 years I was a hairstylist. 7 of those years were spent at a company I had originally imagined I would be with until I retired. I didn’t want a barbershop of my own, I never imagined myself to be an entrepreneur.
But then there was her.
And there was me.
I started saying, “Why the fuck not” instead of “Why would I”?

Everything happened rather quickly once I moved my ass. From the time I decided that I wanted to start a meal prep and delivery service to the first delivery was about 3 weeks.
I went back to work after maternity leave the Monday after Thanksgiving. I produced and delivered my first menu the first week of January, and February 25th was my last day as a manager. For months I worked 7 days a week. I cut hair, I created menus, I cooked, packaged, delivered, cried, exhausted myself, fought with my husband, felt like a shitty mom, doubted myself, went to the gym, cooked for myself, planned, cried some more, cooked some more, felt proud, scared, doubtful, hopeful.
And then I woke up and did it again.
And again.
And I loved it.

To this day, I would not change the decisions I have made. Not for more money, less fear, or more stability. I walked from a rather nice salary to pursue the things that pulled on my heart.
I took a lot of risk once I took action.
I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

When you decide to become an entrepreneur and also transform your body and your mind, a lot of shit happens.
A lot of really amazing shit and also some shitty shit.
In a matter of 5 months, I gave birth, navigated newborn life, decided to start my own business and set out to make my health a priority.
As aforementioned, it was hard.
It still is.
I would do it the exact same way all over again.
There is something rather empowering about doing the scary shit.
It might not always make sense, you might be tired sometimes, but it lights you up.
I loved my job.
I loved it until I no longer loved it, until it didn’t align with my values and then I stepped away.

What do you value?
I intend on touching on values another time but I think it’s really important to sort of sit with that from time to time.

What are the things that you do because you just do them? You don’t necessarily hate doing them but you do them because you always have and it’s part of your routine?
I drank more than I should.
I didn’t plan my meals.
I didn’t take the time to cook nutrient dense foods because “I didn’t have time.”
I didn’t meditate because I didn’t know how.
I didn’t practice gratitude because “I had what I needed and not what I wanted.”
I didn’t go to the gym because “I didn’t have time.”
I didn’t read because “I was too tired.”

All these stories we tell ourselves.
All these things we participate in even though they don’t feel like us.
I KNEW when I felt GOOD.
When I moved my body, when I fed my brain, when my space wasn’t cluttered.
So why didn’t I make those things values, or non-negotiables?

There’s a million reasons I’m sure but they’re not important.
The truth is, last year I just decided I would.
I decided I could and that I was going to.
The rest is history.

Who knew almost 365 days later, I would be coaching alongside my mentor and my personal coach?
I did.
I did because I dreamed about it and put my thoughts into action.
Who knew that I would be almost 100 lbs lighter?
I did because I imagined myself that way.
And so it is.
Who knew that I would be here for all of Scarlett’s firsts? That we would have picnics most days, eat popcorn together in bed after naps and take baths on Friday mornings aka Spa/Pizza Day?
I did.
I knew it because I knew this is right where I’m supposed to be.
Who knew that here I would sit on a Monday afternoon, drinking hot tea, reading, writing, staring out into the cold, feeling all sorts of grateful I didn’t have anywhere to be.
But right here.
I knew it because I felt all of these things inside my bones.

This shit isn’t luck, my friends.
This shit is the product of setting the intentions and then moving my ass.

What do you want so bad you can’t taste it?
You know why you can taste it?
Because it’s already yours.
You’ve just got to set the intention and then you’ve got to move that ass.