The quest to lose weight, to gain weight, to “finally get healthy”, the quest to improve performance or the quest for gains. The self-development quest, the career change quest, ALL THE QUESTS.
There’s nothing wrong with them, we’ve all had journeys of our own.
However chances are if you’re unfulfilled, struggling or never satisfied (and not in a “hungry for more” type of way) you’re not approaching your quest with your heart.
Perhaps your heart is broken.
You better get your glue stick out because I promise, until you start doing the heart work, the rest is going to feel like an uphill battle
Against the current
With a weighted vest.
My heart has been broken before, I get it.
I’ve been lied to
Experienced a miscarriage
Wrestled with addiction
I’ve hurt myself, I’ve hurt other people.
The list goes on.
Your list goes on, I get it.
All these experiences and things and people had left an insurmountable amount of pain on my heart. I retreated, deemed myself unworthy of love. I put on a mask of false security and confidence and declared, “This is it. This is just WHO I AM.”
I call bullshit.
The birth of Scarlett was a sort of rebirth of myself. I know, I know…
Not immediately and not like the movies.
I starting picking things apart, really inspecting parts of my life.
What was serving me? What did I love? What did I NOT love? What did I want?Sometimes I thought about being an entrepreneur. I thought about it for years, sort of day dreaming but then decided it was careless so I dismissed it.
I thought about losing weight.
I was physically uncomfortable in my body and I imagined what I might feel like if I wasn’t so overweight.
What would I look like? How would I feel? Truth is, I attempted it several times over the years. Once I was temporarily successful but I gained it all back.
I thought about running a race.
Doing a ropes course.
Riding a bike.
Hiking a 14er.
Was I physically unable to do these things? I don’t necessarily think so. I might not have been the most efficient but I reckon I could’ve done them.
I wasn’t physically unable to do them but I thought I was because I was physically paralyzed by my lack of self love. That mask I hid behind? It was more like a blanket.
If you’re reading this thinking that you have to lose weight or accomplish XYZ before you love yourself, you’re REALLY missing the mark, my friend.
Go back and read from the beginning.
For so long I allowed my past experiences to write my story. Remember my mention of THOSE people? I was THOSE people.
My mother was a drug addict so, me too.
My parents had unhealthy relationships so, me too.
My body was already trashed so why not continue to trash it? For so long I watched women that I admired with their confidence, their experiences and thought, “Man, if I could just lose the weight or (insert here), THEN I could finally love myself.”
You see, it wasn’t the weight-loss that made me fall in love with myself, it’s when I made the CHOICE to.
When I started dissecting my life and declaring, “Why the fuck not”?
When I stopped settling in my career because being an entrepreneur was “too risky.”
When I stopped telling myself that my life script was already determined.
When I took action.
I made the CHOICE to love myself. What was I supposed to tell Scarlett when she was older? That I loved myself when she turned 3 because I finally deserved it?
I don’t think so.
The cool thing about loving yourself is that it’s like a muscle, and the more you work it, the more efficient it becomes.
Hey, I’d be lying if I said that each pound lost wasn’t a victory for me because it absolutely was. But it was more than seeing the scale trend down.
It was a celebration of “Look what I can do. Look what I can accomplish.”
If I could commit to that, what else could I commit to and accomplish?
I could leave a career I no longer loved.
I could cut ties with people and things that no longer served me.
I could expand my knowledge, skill-set, job title etc
The bottom line? I could literally do, have and be anything or anybody I want to.
Why? Because I took action.
I insisted upon loving myself. On the good days, the shitty days and all the days in between.
Loving myself became non-negotiable.
I operated different when I made the choice and took action.
It was and still is like a domino effect.
I demand more for myself in all the best ways.
The Bitch is still around, you know the one.
My critic, my negative self-talk, my doubter.
What’s different now is that in those moments, I insist and expect myself to check in with my heart.
I don’t love myself because I lost some weight or because I left my job or because I started a business.
I was able to do all those things when I decided to love myself. The lumps, bumps, grey hairs, freckles, the potty-mouth, the impatient, the anxious ME.
Some days are harder than others. Sometimes I throw my hands in the air and declare tomorrow to be better. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I throw fits.
But I rewrote my fucking story.
I am actively changing my legacy.
The legacy I was so caught up in for so long.
I’m changing my legacy for my family, for my daughter and for every person that needs a daily reminder of “Yes the fuck you can.”
You want to lose weight? Start by loving yourself. Change the way you talk to yourself.
You want to leave your job? Start by loving yourself. Remind yourself all the things you’re capable of.
You want to be in a healthy relationship? Start by loving yourself and don’t let anyone have you unless they love themselves just as much.
(SELF) Love is all you need.