My therapist asks me, What if you two could cohabitate and coparent together, but still remain separated?
Could he keep his emotions out of it? Would I be able to go Full Roommate Mode, not questioning his choices or getting too worked up when he doesn’t make an effort?
I need a hug.
For several days now, I’ve been obsessing about being touched. I miss it. I missed it three months ago when I brought Maddox home, I missed it several weeks after that when the reality of postpartum life during a pandemic settled in even deeper. I needed just a hug when I spent 35 minutes with my head in between my legs, trying to rationalize this potential living arrangement.
What about a job? How will we split things?
How do you act as a live in nanny to your husband you’re technically separated from?
We could remain a unit without the emotional labor of trying to convince someone you exist.
We could carve pumpkins together, but when the other person seems checked out, my feelings don’t have to get hurt.
The only in-depth conversations we would have to have are the ones involving crossing things off of lists, What’s For Dinner, what’s your schedule like? I could keep my ideas and dreams close to my chest, protected.
The general consensus: maybe this could work.
The other consensus: this is going to be so fucking hard.
I need a distraction.
So, for a moment, I shut it all down, grabbed Scarlett, and made Caramel Apple Hand Pies + A Jack O Lantern one.
Why did my heart ache the entire time?
I apologize for all the questions.
It’s just that I don’t have any answers.
Caramel Apple Hand Pies
- 2 c AP Flour
- 3/4 tsp salt
- 1/2 tsp baking powder
- 1/4 tsp cinnamon
- 1/8 tsp cardamom
- 2 sticks butter (unsalted, frozen)
- 1/2c sour cream (cold)
- 1 apple, peeled, cored, and diced
- 1 tbsp cold butter, diced
- 1/2 tsp cinnamon
- 1/8 c brown sugar
- splash of heavy cream
- pinch of salt
- Prepare the dough by mixing flour, baking powder, cinnamon, cardamom, salt.
- Using a box grater, grate butter into flour mixture. Add sour cream and mix just to combine.
- Dump out onto a clean surface and begin patting and gathering the dough, incorporating all of the loose bits. Dough may seem rather dry initially which is okay. (Using a bench scraper helps a lot.)
- Once the dough is formed and holding together well, roll out to an inch thick rectangle, and do a letter fold, turn, roll out again to an inch thick, repeat x 3. ** If at any point your dough becomes sticky or hard to work with (the butter is melting) put it in the fridge for 10 minutes, as you don’t want the butter to melt.
- After you have done your last set of folds and rolled it back out, allow it to chill for 30 minutes in cling wrap.
- Preheat oven to 425
- Remove cling wrap and prep dough to cut/fill. Roll out into a 1/4 inch thick rectangle. You can either cut it into an equal number of rectangles (about 16) or use a biscuit cutter (what I usually do)
- Make an egg wash using an egg and a tablespoon of water you have whisked well.
- After you have your shapes cut and placed on a parchment lined baking sheet, chill for 15 minutes (this helps filling and sealing the pies)
- After they have chilled, apply a bit of egg wash on the bottom piece around the edges. Add about a Tbsp of filling (some will leak out, it’s fine) apply a little egg wash to the top pastry’s edges, set on top, seal with a fork, cut small vent slits on top. (*If this part is taking quite a bit of time, keep the pastries you aren’t immediately working with in the fridge to prevent the butter from melting.)
- Brush with egg wash, sprinkle with sanding sugar, and bake for 20-25 minutes (these times are based on making smaller pies using a biscuit cutter) they should be golden brown.
- Allow to cool on a rack for 20 minutes before eating and cool entirely before glazing